I
went to a Bipolar/Depression support group recently and was struck by
how much the support of family members contributes to the well being, or lack
thereof, of people suffering with mental illness. Not just any support, but knowledgeable
support. Three people in the group
described family members that had taken the trouble to learn everything they
could about the illness their child or spouse had, and to make adjustments in
their lives to accommodate the unique needs of someone who is bipolar or suffering
from severe depression. These people
were saved additional stress at home that can be caused by living with people
that don’t understand, and in the absence of understanding, unintentionally
make things worse.
I have seen both sides of mental illness. I’ve experienced my own struggles, having been
diagnosed with Bipolar II many years ago, and I have children that have
experienced mental illness as well. My
family members are all supportive of me to a degree, but none of them have
taken an active interest in learning about the illness or how to interact with
me when I am in the throes of an episode.
Perhaps it’s because I’m usually stable, and because Bipolar II isn’t as
extreme as Bipolar I. I’m never fully manic, so I’ve never had
episodes that lead to psychosis, and I’ve never been hospitalized. When I’m depressed, I isolate myself, so my
depression isn’t obvious to the family members that don’t live with me, and to
those that do live with me, I often make excuses of a physical illness to explain
why I’m missing work and spending most of the day in bed. I manage to function and maintain stability
without a knowledgeable family member actively providing support, but life
would be a lot better if the people closest to me took the time to understand
the illness and to learn techniques to help me through my hard times. Life would be better for them as well,
because the same resources for learning how to help someone cope with mental
illness, also teach how to cope while living with someone with mental illness.
When my son, Eliott, became ill with
schizophrenia as a young adult, I became a knowledgeable support person for
him. I read several books, took the
“Family to Family” class through NAMI, joined an online forum for parents of
children (mostly adult children) with schizophrenia, and went with him to his psychiatrist’s
appointments. My interaction with him
was guided by this knowledge, and I was there with him through every crisis and
every success. Tragically, and despite my efforts,
Eliott took his life.
When my daughter developed anorexia and anxiety, my husband and I became active participants in her recovery and I am certain that our involvement reduced the duration of her
illness and helped her develop the tools to help herself when she is tempted to
return to anorexic thinking and behavior.
How can I say a knowledgeable family
member can help, when I do okay without one, and my son took his life when he
had one? My experience with my daughter
is one reason, but the real answer is that I say only that it will help; it is
not a cure or a substitute for treatment with therapy and medication. Eliott’s life was better and he had periods
of improvement because of my support, but ultimately, it is up to the person
with the mental illness to take responsibility for their own well being. Eliott’s illness was severe, and one effect
of his illness was that he didn’t believe he was ill. As a result, he stopped taking medication every
time he started to feel better, and spent most of his visits with his
psychiatrist fighting with them about the diagnosis. This is why he lost
his battle, but my support wasn't wasted because I know his suffering was
reduced, and I increased his chances of surviving, even though the illness
eventually succeeded in killing him. Helping him helped me as well.
I could not live with myself if I hadn't done everything I could for him.
In contrast to Eliott's experience,
I faithfully take the medications prescribed and I practice the coping
techniques taught to me in therapy. Yet,
as most people with mental illness will attest, even with treatment, there are
‘break through” symptoms. For me, that
means I still have periods of depression.
When I experience these, I see my psychiatric nurse-practitioner a few
extra times and she usually prescribes a temporarily adjust my medications to
lift me out of it. Beyond that, I just do my best to get through it –
knowing from experience that it is not permanent. Yet I long for the compassionate
understanding of someone who knows how best to be with me when I am
depressed. I believe I would rise from
the darkness of depression sooner, and be able to maintain more functionality,
if someone close to me was a partner in getting me out of bed and doing the
things that I know I need to do to get better.
The people in the support group
proved this to me. The three people that
impressed this upon me described specific things their family member did that
helped them make the changes they needed to make, and helped them cope with the
pain and confusion experienced due to their illness. These three seemed to be the most confident
in their ability to survive and feel safe despite immense difficulty in their
lives. There were others there that
described a lack of support, or family members that tried to help, but because
they hadn’t learned how, actually made things worse. These people seemed
less stable and more at risk of their mental illness taking a greater toll on
their lives.
If you have a family member who
lives with a mental illness, I urge you to to learn everything you can about
what it’s like to live with that illness, the best way to help someone with the
illness, and coping strategies for yourself as a support person or
caregiver.
If you live with a mental illness
yourself, please try to educate your family members during times that you are
feeling strong and free of symptoms (or at least not in the midst of a very bad
episode). A very good first step is the
“Family to Family” class through NAMI – I can’t recommend it enough.
I’d love to hear any tips from
readers for improving family relationships when mental illness affects the
family.